“Pretty quickly into this whole thing, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to convince my parents into entertaining this latest twist and turn at the beginning of my adolescent identity developmental period. Even me thinking about it made them really upset, and the consequence of that was that I, being a very sensitive kid, became even more upset and that my life became measurably worse.
Instead, I chose to be pragmatic about it.”
This text breaks my heart because it shows so perfectly the pain on both sides of our story.
On one hand, there’s our pain as parents. A real suffering that just overwhelmed us, born out of fear, of not knowing what to do, or wanting to protect you from a path we knew would be hard. Our sadness was never meant to hurt you; it was just a reflection of how vulnerable we felt and how much we struggled to process that twist in your identity.
But what hurts me the most is seeing your side of it. You were just a girl dealing with your own search in an already incredibly complicated stage of life, and you ended up carrying the weight of our sadness. Because you were so sensitive, seeing us suffer just dragged you down even more, making your own life worse.
What completely breaks me is the end: your decision to be "pragmatic." That took a massive sacrifice on your part. To give us peace and protect yourself, you chose to keep your truth to yourself, put who you were on hold, and walk that path alone with a maturity you shouldn't have needed at that age.
It’s a picture of how, sometimes, out of pure love, we end up trapped in a labyrinth of silence just to avoid hurting each other. 💔
Thank you Maia for such a thorough, insightful essay. There is so much sense and wisdom here. And also, kind of a "permission" to focus on all the joys and challenges of parenting my amazing child without having to (actually needing not to!) keep the gender issue in a disproportionately show-stealing anxious spotlight that eclipses all the other important aspects of ND adolescence.
Reading this I kind of sighed with relief at the reminder that there is a much more natural, bigger picture, and that gender issues need to be addressed sensitively and proportionately as part of the lovely (though challenging) job of parenting this child.
Thank you for Maia for sharing your story. I have been thinking about you a lot, you posted on the Facebook page family of trans in conversation with detransitioners and commented on one of my posts about my daughter. f2m. You mentioned you sometimes work with kids who are in this space. My situation is a little delicate since I am divorced from her father and he fully supports and affirms her transition, so of course she lives with him full time and even moved far away from me. Despite this, I have maintained a relatively close relationship with her. I would love to hear from you.
Hi Maia, in NZ we have a bill in parliament called the Definition of a Man & Woman to strengthen protecting biological sex as a characteristic in law. Caused huge controversy here as trans community thinks it erodes their rights. Meanwhile a trans man has won the right legally as a prison officer to pat down all male prisoners. The single person’s trans rights have trumped others and NZ prisons no longer recognize biological sex. It is only time before a trainwoman prison officer will be doing the same to famale prisoners. Can you comment on what Government should be doing?
“When parents do not have the many tools and comprehensive supports they need in order to meet their kids where they are at, with a (neuro)developmentally informed and emotionally attuned parenting approach, teenagers will try (and fail) to figure these things out on their own, with no guidance from the very adults who have their best interests in mind. And that is where I see the biggest danger”
We can’t erase ourselves completely in the pursuit of perfect strategic parenting tools. We have been left utterly traumatised. We have needs too. We have rights and the rest of our families have rights. My daughter doesn’t want to speak to any of us. Hence there is nothing I can do. To try and chase after her now would be a waste of my life. I have already done everything I could but you can’t fight cruelty.
She has chosen her path. She works in a gay bar, has tattoos in her arms, who knows if she’s recruiting others. She binds but I don’t know if she’s done anything else. So far I have no evidence of testosterone use. I say this based on a few Instagram pictures I have seen of her and she has no acne so I presume she’s not on T but who knows.
I can identify with what you said, we all panicked and she would have been sensitive to our panic but also she did absolutely awful things.
You can’t fight lies. You can’t fight a double life. Lies and double lives destroy the relationship. There is no going back without remorse, regret, an apology and she doesn’t seem interested in even reaching out to us.
She destroyed us. And she doesn’t even seem sorry.
“Pretty quickly into this whole thing, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to convince my parents into entertaining this latest twist and turn at the beginning of my adolescent identity developmental period. Even me thinking about it made them really upset, and the consequence of that was that I, being a very sensitive kid, became even more upset and that my life became measurably worse.
Instead, I chose to be pragmatic about it.”
This text breaks my heart because it shows so perfectly the pain on both sides of our story.
On one hand, there’s our pain as parents. A real suffering that just overwhelmed us, born out of fear, of not knowing what to do, or wanting to protect you from a path we knew would be hard. Our sadness was never meant to hurt you; it was just a reflection of how vulnerable we felt and how much we struggled to process that twist in your identity.
But what hurts me the most is seeing your side of it. You were just a girl dealing with your own search in an already incredibly complicated stage of life, and you ended up carrying the weight of our sadness. Because you were so sensitive, seeing us suffer just dragged you down even more, making your own life worse.
What completely breaks me is the end: your decision to be "pragmatic." That took a massive sacrifice on your part. To give us peace and protect yourself, you chose to keep your truth to yourself, put who you were on hold, and walk that path alone with a maturity you shouldn't have needed at that age.
It’s a picture of how, sometimes, out of pure love, we end up trapped in a labyrinth of silence just to avoid hurting each other. 💔
Thank you so much for this comment.
Thank you Maia for such a thorough, insightful essay. There is so much sense and wisdom here. And also, kind of a "permission" to focus on all the joys and challenges of parenting my amazing child without having to (actually needing not to!) keep the gender issue in a disproportionately show-stealing anxious spotlight that eclipses all the other important aspects of ND adolescence.
Reading this I kind of sighed with relief at the reminder that there is a much more natural, bigger picture, and that gender issues need to be addressed sensitively and proportionately as part of the lovely (though challenging) job of parenting this child.
I’m so glad this essay spoke to you ❤️
You are so the voice of reason in this mad world Maia, thank you x
I’m glad to be amongst them
Thank you for Maia for sharing your story. I have been thinking about you a lot, you posted on the Facebook page family of trans in conversation with detransitioners and commented on one of my posts about my daughter. f2m. You mentioned you sometimes work with kids who are in this space. My situation is a little delicate since I am divorced from her father and he fully supports and affirms her transition, so of course she lives with him full time and even moved far away from me. Despite this, I have maintained a relatively close relationship with her. I would love to hear from you.
Hi Maia, in NZ we have a bill in parliament called the Definition of a Man & Woman to strengthen protecting biological sex as a characteristic in law. Caused huge controversy here as trans community thinks it erodes their rights. Meanwhile a trans man has won the right legally as a prison officer to pat down all male prisoners. The single person’s trans rights have trumped others and NZ prisons no longer recognize biological sex. It is only time before a trainwoman prison officer will be doing the same to famale prisoners. Can you comment on what Government should be doing?
“When parents do not have the many tools and comprehensive supports they need in order to meet their kids where they are at, with a (neuro)developmentally informed and emotionally attuned parenting approach, teenagers will try (and fail) to figure these things out on their own, with no guidance from the very adults who have their best interests in mind. And that is where I see the biggest danger”
We can’t erase ourselves completely in the pursuit of perfect strategic parenting tools. We have been left utterly traumatised. We have needs too. We have rights and the rest of our families have rights. My daughter doesn’t want to speak to any of us. Hence there is nothing I can do. To try and chase after her now would be a waste of my life. I have already done everything I could but you can’t fight cruelty.
She has chosen her path. She works in a gay bar, has tattoos in her arms, who knows if she’s recruiting others. She binds but I don’t know if she’s done anything else. So far I have no evidence of testosterone use. I say this based on a few Instagram pictures I have seen of her and she has no acne so I presume she’s not on T but who knows.
I can identify with what you said, we all panicked and she would have been sensitive to our panic but also she did absolutely awful things.
You can’t fight lies. You can’t fight a double life. Lies and double lives destroy the relationship. There is no going back without remorse, regret, an apology and she doesn’t seem interested in even reaching out to us.
She destroyed us. And she doesn’t even seem sorry.