I am 100% Team Wear The Same Thing Every Day When You Know What Feels Best. I buy multiples of everything I love, in every size I might want or need to wear. Yay for simplicity!
It's a kinship of practicality! I never understood the concept of "outfits" - if I can't get dressed in the dark it can't be in my closet :-D When I found out how much time other people invest in getting dressed for the day, it was shocking. My mom would talk about getting "tops" to match pants and I'd be like... "tops? You mean a stack of t-shirts?" Why on Earth would anyone buy a specific shirt to go with a specific pair of pants??!! Madness! :-D
I probably wouldn't even notice if someone wore the same thing every day around me. But I'd notice a new bow-tie! Seriously, though, I will never understand how girly girls stand wearing the clothes they wear. Sometimes I think they tolerate it because they want to "look cute" and they are just used to it, because I've seen the way some of them get home and rush into sweats lol I imagine a lot of people are drawn to "men's clothes" because of the comfort. I was once given a uniform with short ruffly sleeves and I was ready to quit and had to battle to get the right to wear a normal shirt aka the men's uniform lmao.
The way I see it is there are normal clothes and then... there are women's clothes, where someone has gone far out of their way to add complexity and discomfort to fabric in every way possible. I never got flak for only wearing cargo shorts, big baggy JNCOs, and t-shirts and hats, but I can see how that could play a role in some people's transition. It's similar to how some people are more accepted after they transition because they are surrounded by homophobia. When transition is easier for some people to accept than having a super femme gay boy or a super masc lesbian.
I’ve done the same with a couple of pairs of pants from REI - I’ve bought 3-4 pairs of each in black, khaki, and blue. I’ve literally worn them for years, dressed down or up. If it works, why change it! (Wearing the khaki ones now-stretchy and perfect).
Right on! It makes sense, especially since brands discontinue the best styles and you never know when it will disappear! REI makes great stuff though for sure. Tripp NYC and JNCO are my weaknesses lol
This was an excellent essay and I look forward to reading the other parts to it.
You mentioned several times about how you would research autism and the brain as a child. Did your research ever get into the principles of applied behavior analysis and how to determine the function of a behavior? It seems to apply perfectly to what you're describing as detective work and understanding why the child has adopted this particular coping strategy. There are four traditional functions of behavior: escape/avoidance, sensory, attention seeking, and access to tangibles. The idea is that when a child has a behavior you're trying to understand an address, you have to understand the function of that behavior. So if you have a child who keeps hitting the child sitting next to him during circle time, you have to figure out what the function of that behavior is or else the adults responses to the child's behavior may either do nothing to address it or even reinforce it and make it more likely to reoccur. For example, if the child is hitting because he doesn't like circle time and wants to leave (avoid) it, putting him in time out on the other side of the room is actually reinforcing the behavior and making it more likely to occur. you are describing classic sensory functions of behavior. Some experts have added some nontraditional functions of behavior to the traditional four such as control/autonomy seeking, relational/identity seeking, play/exploration, and justice/revenge seeking. Some of these non traditional ones could be especially applicable to teenagers with ROGD patterns.
Just like you said in the conclusion of your essay, there is no one answer to how to approach or talk about this with a young person because you have to figure out the function of the behavior, in this case the function of the trans identity. Unfortunately, a lot of current autism activism has demonized the principles behind ABA so much to the point of calling them abusive that this very basic and important understanding of psychology and how we can help young people has been the baby thrown out with the bathwater. Behaviorism and more behavioral approaches to psychology have fallen out of favor in many areas and I think we have lost a lot because of that. Without this framework of understanding the function of the behavior I feel like it becomes even easier for this issue to get lost in cultural and philosophical wars politics.
So much of this applies to the effects that I have seen of social transition. Far from a benign intervention, it is a block to deepened thinking, a severing of mind and body, and a poisoning of caring relationships with those who are brave enough to question and suggest that self acceptance rather than constant modification might lead to more profound ease and expanded horizons.
“ I wanted my old uniform back. I thought about this, but I didn’t think to actually say it. There was no predictable script, no easily memorized phrase I’d heard someone else say that I could repeat to express this exact feeling. “
This is so hard to remember when raising a child on the spectrum. They often have no script, no words, no way to take feelings and turn them into words to express themselves. It’s a difficult process to help them with, without putting words and ideas into their mouths. Or the complete opposite, upsetting them because we guess wrong and now offended them.
You have hit on a critical point here. One that I wish I had thought of in the beginning, rather than panicking and trying to convince her she was confused. “Why do you feel this way? Tell me more about that?” Could have gone a lot farther. Though I’m pretty sure she would have just said “because this is how I feel.” I look forward to your next installment.
The point is that they don’t know how they feel lol. Asking them how they feel probably gets you nowhere- asking about thoughts, reading between the lines, asking them about sensations is probably a better way to go. I’ll cover that in part three. Part two is already too long. My streams of consciousness are quite verbose as you can tell
We attempted to ask those sorts of questions, but the only thing our daughter would say about it was, “I just feel like a guy.” Not a man or a boy, a “guy “. Just stick to the script, don’t think too hard about it, accuse anyone questioning you of transphobia.
Excellent piece, Maia, thank you. You detail the importance of scratching beneath the certainty-surface of a child’s “who I am” declaration and inquire about the experience (sensations, thoughts, maybe hopes and desire) with compassion.
Dr. Gabor Mate literally calls this strategy “compassionate inquiry” (in referring to helping people with their suffering - not specifically to “gender” issues).
When we show interest in learning about what someone is, or was, experiencing then we can connect with them and help them consider their own thoughts and distress more openly. We may be able to give oxygen to suffocated feelings that they understood as having a particular meaning—that of being in the wrong body—and new options can begin to take shape…there can be movement in more directions than the “wrong body” direction.
There’s a wonderful pediatrician that speaks of this type of listening to behavior and distress. Her name is Claudia M. Gold. She has a wonderful book called, The Silenced Child. She describes how we can listen to behavior rather than attempt to “fix it,” which would only lead to missing the root issue without the ability to process it.
I see it as similar to what you’re describing. In the initial distressed behavior, if truly listening, caregivers could begin to compassionately inquire about the child’s experience and intuit what’s going on for them, drawing out the root issue or unmet need, together. The trans ideation could then be verbalized and explored in the greater context of the child’s needs and distress, and increase the chances of being resolved.
Excellent essay! I could relate so well to the stress of not having a uniform and the uncertainty that opened up. School uniforms get a bad press! Your thinking through in such detail of the pre stage was very helpful. I look forward to hearing the next essay. Ps you were so cute in your photos ❤️
Once again Maia your insight is immeasurable. You help me to keep going, as a parent missing my estranged daughter. Thank you for your thoughtful analysis. With love, Melissa
I thought my ex and I put an end to the ideation phase when in 2021 we found drawings and a diary full of this ideation and so we sat my daughter down and told her in no uncertain terms that this was an extremist ideology. We thought this was the end but I guess she became better at lying or hiding it. When she met her lunatic girlfriend at college the ideation came back stronger than ever as teachers at college and the evil girlfriend and friends were calling her by another name. We, the whole family fell in the trap. By the time we raised the alarm about what was going on (a tutor at college left a message on my phone calling her by another name) genuinely evil, wicked and malevolent social workers offered her a studio flat behind our backs and £400 per month. So she was gone, a year 9 months ago. She blocked the whole family and went no contact. I see lots of photos of her on instagram, she calls herself a man and dresses like a goth. She has learned to do the masculine goth makeup but in the videos the stupid girlfriend posts I have heard her voice and she sounds just like before. Still no evidence of testosterone use. But she is binding.
My mom let me wear boys clothes when I was a kid. I really wasn’t interested in girly clothes or beauty products, but part of it was also that boys clothes were just way more comfortable. My mom and I both considered it normal. I actually got annoyed when people assumed I was a boy just because I wasn’t girly.
Am I autistic? Not as far as I know, but I had been wondering if trouble dealing with uncomfortable clothing could be considered a sensory issue in autistic people. Almost every autistic person I’ve met is obsessed with gender, and the women in particular seem to have the same trouble with binding, feminine clothing that I do.
I do shop in the women’s sections now, but I still prioritize comfort and most of what I get is not that feminine.
I have two friends with children who have transitioned socially. One at 4 (yes, 4!) and one now at 28. Both of them would benefit from reading your work. The latter young lady is having surgery. The former small child wants to be a girl. And the whole family is going along with it.
This is awesome! :)
I am 100% Team Wear The Same Thing Every Day When You Know What Feels Best. I buy multiples of everything I love, in every size I might want or need to wear. Yay for simplicity!
I love simplicity. I always knew I found you to be relatable
It's a kinship of practicality! I never understood the concept of "outfits" - if I can't get dressed in the dark it can't be in my closet :-D When I found out how much time other people invest in getting dressed for the day, it was shocking. My mom would talk about getting "tops" to match pants and I'd be like... "tops? You mean a stack of t-shirts?" Why on Earth would anyone buy a specific shirt to go with a specific pair of pants??!! Madness! :-D
It is total madness to ‘match clothes’ I agree
I probably wouldn't even notice if someone wore the same thing every day around me. But I'd notice a new bow-tie! Seriously, though, I will never understand how girly girls stand wearing the clothes they wear. Sometimes I think they tolerate it because they want to "look cute" and they are just used to it, because I've seen the way some of them get home and rush into sweats lol I imagine a lot of people are drawn to "men's clothes" because of the comfort. I was once given a uniform with short ruffly sleeves and I was ready to quit and had to battle to get the right to wear a normal shirt aka the men's uniform lmao.
The way I see it is there are normal clothes and then... there are women's clothes, where someone has gone far out of their way to add complexity and discomfort to fabric in every way possible. I never got flak for only wearing cargo shorts, big baggy JNCOs, and t-shirts and hats, but I can see how that could play a role in some people's transition. It's similar to how some people are more accepted after they transition because they are surrounded by homophobia. When transition is easier for some people to accept than having a super femme gay boy or a super masc lesbian.
These are all quite astute observations
I’ve done the same with a couple of pairs of pants from REI - I’ve bought 3-4 pairs of each in black, khaki, and blue. I’ve literally worn them for years, dressed down or up. If it works, why change it! (Wearing the khaki ones now-stretchy and perfect).
Right on! It makes sense, especially since brands discontinue the best styles and you never know when it will disappear! REI makes great stuff though for sure. Tripp NYC and JNCO are my weaknesses lol
This was an excellent essay and I look forward to reading the other parts to it.
You mentioned several times about how you would research autism and the brain as a child. Did your research ever get into the principles of applied behavior analysis and how to determine the function of a behavior? It seems to apply perfectly to what you're describing as detective work and understanding why the child has adopted this particular coping strategy. There are four traditional functions of behavior: escape/avoidance, sensory, attention seeking, and access to tangibles. The idea is that when a child has a behavior you're trying to understand an address, you have to understand the function of that behavior. So if you have a child who keeps hitting the child sitting next to him during circle time, you have to figure out what the function of that behavior is or else the adults responses to the child's behavior may either do nothing to address it or even reinforce it and make it more likely to reoccur. For example, if the child is hitting because he doesn't like circle time and wants to leave (avoid) it, putting him in time out on the other side of the room is actually reinforcing the behavior and making it more likely to occur. you are describing classic sensory functions of behavior. Some experts have added some nontraditional functions of behavior to the traditional four such as control/autonomy seeking, relational/identity seeking, play/exploration, and justice/revenge seeking. Some of these non traditional ones could be especially applicable to teenagers with ROGD patterns.
Just like you said in the conclusion of your essay, there is no one answer to how to approach or talk about this with a young person because you have to figure out the function of the behavior, in this case the function of the trans identity. Unfortunately, a lot of current autism activism has demonized the principles behind ABA so much to the point of calling them abusive that this very basic and important understanding of psychology and how we can help young people has been the baby thrown out with the bathwater. Behaviorism and more behavioral approaches to psychology have fallen out of favor in many areas and I think we have lost a lot because of that. Without this framework of understanding the function of the behavior I feel like it becomes even easier for this issue to get lost in cultural and philosophical wars politics.
"The trans identity can become a vehicle for managing distress that might otherwise have been resolved or mitigated with proper support. "
You hit the nail squarely on the head, as your essays tend to do.
I look forward to the next installment.
So much of this applies to the effects that I have seen of social transition. Far from a benign intervention, it is a block to deepened thinking, a severing of mind and body, and a poisoning of caring relationships with those who are brave enough to question and suggest that self acceptance rather than constant modification might lead to more profound ease and expanded horizons.
“ I wanted my old uniform back. I thought about this, but I didn’t think to actually say it. There was no predictable script, no easily memorized phrase I’d heard someone else say that I could repeat to express this exact feeling. “
This is so hard to remember when raising a child on the spectrum. They often have no script, no words, no way to take feelings and turn them into words to express themselves. It’s a difficult process to help them with, without putting words and ideas into their mouths. Or the complete opposite, upsetting them because we guess wrong and now offended them.
You have hit on a critical point here. One that I wish I had thought of in the beginning, rather than panicking and trying to convince her she was confused. “Why do you feel this way? Tell me more about that?” Could have gone a lot farther. Though I’m pretty sure she would have just said “because this is how I feel.” I look forward to your next installment.
The point is that they don’t know how they feel lol. Asking them how they feel probably gets you nowhere- asking about thoughts, reading between the lines, asking them about sensations is probably a better way to go. I’ll cover that in part three. Part two is already too long. My streams of consciousness are quite verbose as you can tell
We attempted to ask those sorts of questions, but the only thing our daughter would say about it was, “I just feel like a guy.” Not a man or a boy, a “guy “. Just stick to the script, don’t think too hard about it, accuse anyone questioning you of transphobia.
Excellent piece, Maia, thank you. You detail the importance of scratching beneath the certainty-surface of a child’s “who I am” declaration and inquire about the experience (sensations, thoughts, maybe hopes and desire) with compassion.
Dr. Gabor Mate literally calls this strategy “compassionate inquiry” (in referring to helping people with their suffering - not specifically to “gender” issues).
When we show interest in learning about what someone is, or was, experiencing then we can connect with them and help them consider their own thoughts and distress more openly. We may be able to give oxygen to suffocated feelings that they understood as having a particular meaning—that of being in the wrong body—and new options can begin to take shape…there can be movement in more directions than the “wrong body” direction.
There’s a wonderful pediatrician that speaks of this type of listening to behavior and distress. Her name is Claudia M. Gold. She has a wonderful book called, The Silenced Child. She describes how we can listen to behavior rather than attempt to “fix it,” which would only lead to missing the root issue without the ability to process it.
I see it as similar to what you’re describing. In the initial distressed behavior, if truly listening, caregivers could begin to compassionately inquire about the child’s experience and intuit what’s going on for them, drawing out the root issue or unmet need, together. The trans ideation could then be verbalized and explored in the greater context of the child’s needs and distress, and increase the chances of being resolved.
Precisely! I'm so glad you enjoyed this essay.
Excellent essay! I could relate so well to the stress of not having a uniform and the uncertainty that opened up. School uniforms get a bad press! Your thinking through in such detail of the pre stage was very helpful. I look forward to hearing the next essay. Ps you were so cute in your photos ❤️
Once again Maia your insight is immeasurable. You help me to keep going, as a parent missing my estranged daughter. Thank you for your thoughtful analysis. With love, Melissa
I’m glad the insight is helpful to you ❤️
Very insightful and helpful. Thank you.
So glad you found it insightful
As always, your essay is very thought provoking! Can’t wait for the next installment! Bravo!
Maia, is this artwork yours?
Nope, ChatGPT makes it for me. I upload reference pics of myself and tamper with it until it gives me an image I like
I thought my ex and I put an end to the ideation phase when in 2021 we found drawings and a diary full of this ideation and so we sat my daughter down and told her in no uncertain terms that this was an extremist ideology. We thought this was the end but I guess she became better at lying or hiding it. When she met her lunatic girlfriend at college the ideation came back stronger than ever as teachers at college and the evil girlfriend and friends were calling her by another name. We, the whole family fell in the trap. By the time we raised the alarm about what was going on (a tutor at college left a message on my phone calling her by another name) genuinely evil, wicked and malevolent social workers offered her a studio flat behind our backs and £400 per month. So she was gone, a year 9 months ago. She blocked the whole family and went no contact. I see lots of photos of her on instagram, she calls herself a man and dresses like a goth. She has learned to do the masculine goth makeup but in the videos the stupid girlfriend posts I have heard her voice and she sounds just like before. Still no evidence of testosterone use. But she is binding.
My mom let me wear boys clothes when I was a kid. I really wasn’t interested in girly clothes or beauty products, but part of it was also that boys clothes were just way more comfortable. My mom and I both considered it normal. I actually got annoyed when people assumed I was a boy just because I wasn’t girly.
Am I autistic? Not as far as I know, but I had been wondering if trouble dealing with uncomfortable clothing could be considered a sensory issue in autistic people. Almost every autistic person I’ve met is obsessed with gender, and the women in particular seem to have the same trouble with binding, feminine clothing that I do.
I do shop in the women’s sections now, but I still prioritize comfort and most of what I get is not that feminine.
Sensory processing issues are not uniquely autistic
School uniforms make so much sense! Thank you for your careful parsing of all these stages of development and the context.
I have two friends with children who have transitioned socially. One at 4 (yes, 4!) and one now at 28. Both of them would benefit from reading your work. The latter young lady is having surgery. The former small child wants to be a girl. And the whole family is going along with it.