"Trans identification, for many of us, was an escape fantasy. Not a belief system, not a philosophy, not a calculated choice. It was a way out. The logic doesn’t need to be sound. The longing is what hooks us." This really spoke to me about our daughter. Thank you Maia for your contributions to the caring parents trying to work through this.
I appreciate your perspective, Maia. As a therapist I'm still just taking everything in about gender identity, aware of the complexity and that we are all in the middle of an unfolding movement that can't be easily grasped from the inside. But as an adult neurodiverse woman, I often find myself so grateful that I was born when I was (about 10 years earlier than you). I think I would almost certainly, given my inability to perform a particular kind of womanhood, have really struggled to get to where I am today otherwise: someone who enjoys being a woman, and finds the idea of being gatekept from femininity because of my lack of "girliness" utterly strange, barely worth noting. The longing to fit in when you are "different", the grasping of a potential solution, is so poignant.
Yeah, an awful lot of people seem to either believe
(1) All gender is a social construct. If you don't fit the average for the one you're born into, there's a good chance you're actually the other one and should be surgically altered.
(2) Gender is divinely ordained. If you don't fit the average for the one you're born into, you should try to force yourself to, because men should be men and women should be women.
Thank you, Maia. I’m so grateful to have found your work and to have heard some of your story. I am so grateful for it, but also very mindful of how much you have endured in so few years. I hope you’re doing well and living in safety and relative peace. Thank you for wanting to use your experiences to help others.
It has taken me around 12 hours to finish reading this article; many notes taken, and much empathy for the difficulties you faced. Blessings.
Oh wow. Thank you so much for reading and taking such detailed notes. I invite you to link my essay inside an essay of yours and publish your notes on it
I haven’t used Substack like that, and if I’ve learned anything from your writing and your experience, it’s that I need to speak less and beware of what I write! ;)
This is such a necessary and powerful essay. When individual and unique is the strong focus. Do you find that widening the scope of cultural and social events and art a teen is exposed to is useful for a nudge to see other examples and influences and athletics? Beyond the trans is the only option?
I’ve read one family’s story about spending long intense family vacations abroad in other countries.
I don’t have a trans kid, so no stakes in this, but I was surprised to see this perspective. You successfully reconnected me with what my own teenage years felt like and suddenly, what you were saying made perfect sense. Every time my mother tried to connect with me, it just revealed her ignorance of who I was and what was going on.
I've liked your writing for a while, and have enjoyed to hear you speak via my connection with Sasha and Stella.
But this essay really caught my attention, and although my kid, like you, has detransitioned, I know I can always improve my parenting relationship. I also really connected with your words stating the reality of unmet needs, and exploring how to healthily acknowledge them, and fulfil them.
I've also noted in my journey that I need to manage my own wounds before I try to heal anyone else's (Nb, my child's), so I'm going to use these points to address my own unmet needs first. What are the unmet needs I seek to control through trying to control and not really 'see' my child, and how can I meet my needs in this arena. As well as assist exploration of this as a guide of my child chooses to explore it.
Today is mother's day.
My child is unique, non conformist, like you- always ahead of the trends and exasperated when special interest areas become commercially popular or trendy. My child is very bright, a delight, actually. Very interested, and interesting. With discomforts of course.
We all grow through complexities. And my child has a fair share of these. I can see many of them as really beautiful. And I can sympathise in the discomforts without having to fix them.
I see beautiful traits in your writing of yourself.
Your mother is a lucky person to have you as her child- she must be so proud of who you are, and who you are growing to be.
I did share one detransitioner story with my child but it’s not because I thought they were just like them but I wished that just like I pick up bits and pieces from everything I read I hoped some parts of it would resonate with them. But you’re right, the response was “that’s their story not mine.”
This is excellent, so wise and thoughtful. It must be a great benefit to parents to be able to peer into the psyche of a young person caught up in trans identification.
It’s not surprising that your confrontation with potential death and the destruction of your adopted country helped you find your way out of the imagined but false utopia of gender transition, though this is certainly a unique story! It deserves a wider audience.
Thanks also for providing a recording which is a godsend to busy people like me who have limited sitting-down time in which to read. You read very well.
Thanks, Maia! Can I ask a question? When you detransitioned, did you cut ties with most of the people you’d known? I think you moved back to the US at that time? With people that you stayed in touch with, how did you approach the topic?
I suspect that not knowing how to gracefully exit without giving up her friends and her life is the main reason my daughter stays transitioned these days. I have at least some insights into the problems she was trying to solve five years ago, and many of them don’t apply anymore but I think she just can’t fathom the social consequences, especially in her online communities, of changing at this point.
As I side note I bet I can guess exactly which detransitioner essay your parents sent you, (Helena’s) because it’s near the top of my list of “things I wish my kid would read”. But I’d never send it to her unless she expressed a possibility of detransitioning and an openness to reading it (I guess I’ve done a few things right after all!)
One of my biggest issue in life has been maintaining friendships. I don’t have friendships that really last more than a few years. I don’t tend to get attached to people so it wasn’t difficult for me to leave everything behind in the way it may be for others because I found new friends
"Trans identification, for many of us, was an escape fantasy. Not a belief system, not a philosophy, not a calculated choice. It was a way out. The logic doesn’t need to be sound. The longing is what hooks us." This really spoke to me about our daughter. Thank you Maia for your contributions to the caring parents trying to work through this.
Thank you for reading ❤️
I appreciate your perspective, Maia. As a therapist I'm still just taking everything in about gender identity, aware of the complexity and that we are all in the middle of an unfolding movement that can't be easily grasped from the inside. But as an adult neurodiverse woman, I often find myself so grateful that I was born when I was (about 10 years earlier than you). I think I would almost certainly, given my inability to perform a particular kind of womanhood, have really struggled to get to where I am today otherwise: someone who enjoys being a woman, and finds the idea of being gatekept from femininity because of my lack of "girliness" utterly strange, barely worth noting. The longing to fit in when you are "different", the grasping of a potential solution, is so poignant.
Very powerful essay. Not everyone is going to be at the behavioral mean of their biological gender, and that's OK.
Yes!
Yeah, an awful lot of people seem to either believe
(1) All gender is a social construct. If you don't fit the average for the one you're born into, there's a good chance you're actually the other one and should be surgically altered.
(2) Gender is divinely ordained. If you don't fit the average for the one you're born into, you should try to force yourself to, because men should be men and women should be women.
Thank you, Maia. I’m so grateful to have found your work and to have heard some of your story. I am so grateful for it, but also very mindful of how much you have endured in so few years. I hope you’re doing well and living in safety and relative peace. Thank you for wanting to use your experiences to help others.
It has taken me around 12 hours to finish reading this article; many notes taken, and much empathy for the difficulties you faced. Blessings.
Oh wow. Thank you so much for reading and taking such detailed notes. I invite you to link my essay inside an essay of yours and publish your notes on it
I haven’t used Substack like that, and if I’ve learned anything from your writing and your experience, it’s that I need to speak less and beware of what I write! ;)
I find you so inspiring and engaging. Thank you so much. Navigating year nine with my daughter. I appreciate your insights.
Year nine? Wow
Listening to this was very powerful.
I’m so glad :)
This is such a necessary and powerful essay. When individual and unique is the strong focus. Do you find that widening the scope of cultural and social events and art a teen is exposed to is useful for a nudge to see other examples and influences and athletics? Beyond the trans is the only option?
I’ve read one family’s story about spending long intense family vacations abroad in other countries.
I do think there’s something invaluable about living abroad. It helped me too.
Wow! This is such a powerful & insightful essay. Thanks for writing this.
So THIS is the essay parents should send to their kids!
Just kidding. Don’t do it.
You’d be surprised at how many parents will still want to do this
I don’t have a trans kid, so no stakes in this, but I was surprised to see this perspective. You successfully reconnected me with what my own teenage years felt like and suddenly, what you were saying made perfect sense. Every time my mother tried to connect with me, it just revealed her ignorance of who I was and what was going on.
That’s so interesting
Cheers, Maia.
I've liked your writing for a while, and have enjoyed to hear you speak via my connection with Sasha and Stella.
But this essay really caught my attention, and although my kid, like you, has detransitioned, I know I can always improve my parenting relationship. I also really connected with your words stating the reality of unmet needs, and exploring how to healthily acknowledge them, and fulfil them.
I've also noted in my journey that I need to manage my own wounds before I try to heal anyone else's (Nb, my child's), so I'm going to use these points to address my own unmet needs first. What are the unmet needs I seek to control through trying to control and not really 'see' my child, and how can I meet my needs in this arena. As well as assist exploration of this as a guide of my child chooses to explore it.
Today is mother's day.
My child is unique, non conformist, like you- always ahead of the trends and exasperated when special interest areas become commercially popular or trendy. My child is very bright, a delight, actually. Very interested, and interesting. With discomforts of course.
We all grow through complexities. And my child has a fair share of these. I can see many of them as really beautiful. And I can sympathise in the discomforts without having to fix them.
I see beautiful traits in your writing of yourself.
Your mother is a lucky person to have you as her child- she must be so proud of who you are, and who you are growing to be.
Please tell her 'Happy Mother's day for me.
With great respect.
Thank you for this comment. Check your DMs (private messages)
I did share one detransitioner story with my child but it’s not because I thought they were just like them but I wished that just like I pick up bits and pieces from everything I read I hoped some parts of it would resonate with them. But you’re right, the response was “that’s their story not mine.”
These young people are trying to individuate. It all makes sense when you understand that
This is excellent, so wise and thoughtful. It must be a great benefit to parents to be able to peer into the psyche of a young person caught up in trans identification.
It’s not surprising that your confrontation with potential death and the destruction of your adopted country helped you find your way out of the imagined but false utopia of gender transition, though this is certainly a unique story! It deserves a wider audience.
Thanks also for providing a recording which is a godsend to busy people like me who have limited sitting-down time in which to read. You read very well.
Thank you ❤️ I’m glad my insight has been helpful
Thanks, Maia! Can I ask a question? When you detransitioned, did you cut ties with most of the people you’d known? I think you moved back to the US at that time? With people that you stayed in touch with, how did you approach the topic?
I suspect that not knowing how to gracefully exit without giving up her friends and her life is the main reason my daughter stays transitioned these days. I have at least some insights into the problems she was trying to solve five years ago, and many of them don’t apply anymore but I think she just can’t fathom the social consequences, especially in her online communities, of changing at this point.
As I side note I bet I can guess exactly which detransitioner essay your parents sent you, (Helena’s) because it’s near the top of my list of “things I wish my kid would read”. But I’d never send it to her unless she expressed a possibility of detransitioning and an openness to reading it (I guess I’ve done a few things right after all!)
One of my biggest issue in life has been maintaining friendships. I don’t have friendships that really last more than a few years. I don’t tend to get attached to people so it wasn’t difficult for me to leave everything behind in the way it may be for others because I found new friends
This was exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you Maia.
Of course ❤️
it could totally make them feel more alienated in their own family