Why Did Gen Z Become the TransGen(d)eration?

Here's what every Gen X parent needs to know. Spoiler: It's NOT just because of the internet

Me at 14, two years into my “gender journey.”

To those who don’t yet know me: hi, my name is Maia, and I was born in the prehistoric year of 1999. That makes me both technically young and, somehow, a relic of another century… and another millennium. I don’t remember anything about the year I was born, but most of you reading this probably do. Apparently, there was widespread panic over the possibility that computers would end the world. That sounds like a hoax to me, especially considering your computers were cheerful little plastic snuggle-boxes compared to the soulless slab I’m using to write this essay.

The world was scared of…. this? And some zeroes…. Seriously???

I’ve also read that 1999 was a year when women were collectively obsessed with wearing uncomfortable, brightly colored plastic sandals.

I will never understand how you lived like this

It was a good year for cinema, too—or so I’ve heard. The Matrix came out. I wouldn’t know if it’s any good, because I generally avoid watching or reading anything in the “fiction” genre—unless, of course, it’s written by the legendary William Shakespeare. My favorite song is a secular love poem sung in Classical Arabic, and it’s somewhere between 500 and 1,000 years old. The music beloved by my generation very rarely fails to disappoint me.

As a child, I hated computer games… or games in general. Instead of playing unimportant, juvenile playground games with my peers, I preferred researching rare brain tumors, for fun. Unsurprisingly, I’ve always been late to adopting my generation’s slang. I prefer precise language, which conveys a clear meaning and resists misinterpretation. I’m in Gen Z, but in many ways, I’ve never felt of it. You might say I’m an “old soul”—but for the purposes of this essay, let’s just say I identify as trans-generational.

While I’ve missed most of my generation’s trends, there was one that I managed to predict—and adopt—well before it became mainstream. In 2012, at age twelve, I came out to my parents as transgender. Not only did I get on the trans train early—I stayed on it for half my life. In just a few years, I watched transgenderism morph from something so niche I genuinely believed I’d never meet another trans adult, aside from the one I was planning to become, into a cultural phenomenon that eventually consumed my entire peer group— and then, the zeitgeist of my entire generation.

I’ve spent much of my life studying the peculiar quirks of my generation, because I don’t intuitively understand them. I watch youngsters my age interacting and often feel like I am a 1980’s National Geographic field reporter, remarking upon the odd habits of an unfamiliar species. I suspect many of our parents feel the same way. This Substack is my attempt to translate my life experiences into language that might be understood across generational lines. In this paper, I’ll explore some fundamental trans-gen(d)erational misunderstandings between Gen X parents and their transgender-identified Gen Z children.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking questions like: “Why the hell is my kid doing this?” or “Why won’t they listen when I warn them about the risks?” or “How do I have a normal conversation with my ideologically captured child?”—this paper is for you.

Gen Z’s Lame, Tame, Depressing Adolescence

It is well-known that teenagers and young people are known to make objectively bad, insanely impulsive and extremely risky decisions– usually in the realms of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Assuming they survive their bad decisions, after spending some years reveling in their enjoyment of eating from the forbidden tree of adult taboos, and after having learned much from their risky youthful experiments, they get tired of it. They’ve squeezed the meaningful, personal growth experiences out of this partying phase of life, and they begin to yearn for something more meaningful. Every “party generation” eventually settles down to make way for the younger cohort’s teenage shenanigans. 

Gen Z’s adolescent and young adult habits seem to be a glitch in this matrix. Generation Z, to which I begrudgingly belong, are today’s teens and twenty-somethings. My generation is a generation so prudish and straight-laced that our hippie grandparents are disappointed with their grandchildrens’ idea of a ‘fun Friday night’. 

My generation barely drinks, hardly smokes, and despite proclaiming ourselves to be sex positive, we aren’t sexually adventurous at all when compared even to millennials. A sober Friday night, spent enjoying cans of sugary sodas instead of chugging liquor in the back of a friend’s car, sitting in total isolation, behind a computer doing homework, surfing social media or playing online games is the quintessential Gen Z night in.

When we are teenagers, our parents may think we are little angels because they don’t have to worry about us sneaking out to sleep around. Nor do they have to worry about us drinking ourselves into a miserable two- day hangover that incapacitates us for the entire weekend of pre-planned family activities.

It is extremely abnormal for a generation of teenagers to be as boring and tame as we were and are, by our parents’ and grandparents’ metrics. Not only is Gen Z boring and tame, we are also anxious and existentially miserable. There is no harbinger of doom quite like that presented by an obedient teenage generation.

The only truly rebellious thing my generation has done, is the fact that we declare transgender identities at unprecedentedly high rates. But this ‘rebellion’ isn’t a typical teenage one in many ways. Instead of taking risks that we can easily come back from, my generation self-soothes its developmental anxieties (some which are inherent to adolescence and others which are induced by our disconnected, digital environment) by staking our entire futures upon the pursuit of becoming the impossible– the opposite sex. This teenage rebellion is actually a misguided but valiant attempt for helicopter-parented Gen Z kids to assert themselves. 

Trans Identification Is the Paradoxical Teenage Rebellion of the Risk Averse

It is in the nature of teenagers growing up in individualistic, Western, industrialized societies to “find themselves” during adolescence—often by taking insane risks. Yet, while previous generations might have sought rebellion by sneaking alcohol or engaging in physical daredevilry, my generation is incredibly risk averse.

We, Generation Z, get drunk on social media “likes” instead of from a keg illegally purchased by an older brother’s even older friend. We get high on dopamine from constant social media scrolling rather than from illicit drugs taken with friends, and we watch porn instead of having relationships.

Instead of experimenting with outdoor, risky physical activities, Gen Z prefers our risk-taking behavior to be contained within the walls of gender clinics where our “drug use” is carefully monitored by doctors with blood tests, and where self-harm is sterilized with iodine and double-layered gloves in an operating room. Rather than just doing harm to ourselves with our own actions, we opt for the assistance of a surgical scalpel with anesthesia that puts us to sleep.

What looks to our parents as an incredibly insane and unsafe teenage coping mechanism for existential misery seems to us as being very safe– because a doctor who goes on talk shows and documentaries is attesting to these interventions being safe. More compellingly, we are told that these interventions will cure our teenage misery. And because we are kids, we believe them.

Unlike the clear rule-breaking of a teenager who drinks alcohol—aware that they are rebelling by breaking a rule—the trans-identified teenager doesn’t see these actions as risks. They believe if only they manage to convince their parents, they can actually becoming a metaphysically new version of themselves that isn’t miserable.

The Impact of Helicopter Parenting on Teen Independence

Helicopter parenting in combination with a childhood lived online, is the main reason why Gen Z kids are so miserable, at least in my opinion. One common theme I have noticed from upper middle class parents of Gen Z kids, who are the group most vulnerable to adopting trans identities in adolescence or young adulthood, is that our parents are usually helicopter parents.

Helicopter parenting is in fashion these days, and it makes teenagers miserable because what they truly crave is independence. My helicopter parented generation has learned so much helplessness that even the nature of our developmentally normal pursuit of independence or individuation around adolescence requires our parents’ involvement.

Instead of rebelling by sneaking out and partying, which are activities done in secret because the child knows he or she is breaking rules, my generation’s epidemic of trans identity declaration, often requires us to seek the ‘affirmation,’ reassurance or involvement from our parents.

Because of how we were parented, even our attempts to become our own people, separate from our parents, places requirements on our parents to help us become our “true, authentic selves” by calling us by new names, pronouns, helping us to change our appearance through the use of compression garments and medical interventions. Because our helicopter parented generation doesn’t have the social, emotional or life skills to rebel in a fun way, Gen Z’s trans craze is a deeply depressing and dangerous rebellion against the self and against our own bodies. It’s a pretty sad and pathetic state of affairs if you ask me.

There are so many different manifestations of helicopter parenting, but for these purposes I will focus on the two main types. On the surface, “tiger parenting” and “bubble wrap parenting” (which I explain below) appear to be very different parenting strategies. I believe they are actually two extremes on the broad spectrum of helicopter parenting. Along the broad spectrum of helicopter parenting styles, there may be families which share traits of both models. Both models pose unique risks when applied in their most extreme forms, to the ability of parents and their kids to navigate adolescent gender questioning while maintaining their relationships in tact.

These next sections aren’t clinical advice— they are just my theories based on personal experience and observation.

“Tiger Parent” Helicoptering

Some helicopter parents are “tiger parents”—driven by endless expectations for academic achievement, personal grooming, and professional success. These parents often rely on constant criticism to shape high-achieving children, reserving praise only for truly exceptional accomplishments. They won’t compliment a toddler’s scribbles, fearing it might reward mediocrity; instead, they want their child to always strive for more. While this upbringing can foster emotional resilience, it also leaves deep-rooted insecurities due to the chronic lack of affirmation.

This parenting style is often, though not exclusively, practiced by immigrants from collectivist cultures who have achieved professional success in the West. Their parenting goal is not to raise happy children, but more successful ones. In their view, happiness is a byproduct of maintaining social harmony and excelling in school and work—not of self-discovery or “authenticity.”

Early childhood in these families might involve more emotional warmth, but as puberty approaches, the standards tighten. Emotional availability often diminishes just as children begin facing complex problems involving emotions, friendships, and dating. This mindset is also common in insular, highly religious Western communities.

When tiger parenting is rigidly applied in the Western context, it often leads to upheaval during adolescence, regardless of whether the child identifies as trans or simply wants to fit in more with Western peers.

Why? Because in Western culture, adolescence is viewed as a time for boundary-testing and self-discovery—often through risky or rebellious behaviors. Teenagers raised in the West absorb this script, while their tiger parents—who never had this cultural narrative—see it as evidence of Western corruption or a threat to the family’s honor. Even minor acts of self-expression, like a girl wanting a short haircut or less frilly clothes, can be treated as serious infractions. The teen, meanwhile, sees her peers being praised for their individuality and feels unjustly punished for doing the same.

Tiger cubs raised in their parents’ home countries often fare better emotionally than those raised in the West—at least according to their tiger parents who say so, constantly— within earshot of their children. They lament, “Kids in India/Eastern Europe/China/Korea don’t have these mental health issues. If only we had raised our child back home…”

The child of course, does not feel a resolution of their distress following their parents’ sociocultural analysis. Tiger parents will often try to logic their child out of an emotional response, or they will try to distract a child from their negative emotions by piling on increasingly more difficult extracurricular demands.

These tiger parents aren’t entirely wrong, though— much of what we believe brings happiness is culturally shaped. Immigrant kids often receive clashing messages about the attitudes that will bring them happiness: harsh expectations and criticism at home, participation trophies and emotional nurturing at school. Seeing their peers’ parents express love more openly through warmth, they may wrongly assume their own parents don’t love them—because they’ve internalized a Western model of what love should look like.

Tiger parents, when confronted with the social and academic deficits of their children do not usually choose to entrust their kids’ development to Western medical and mental health authorities. Even without a diagnostic process, these parents feel a great sense of competency in addressing the issues faced by their kids— and they do not need a diagnosis from some expert in a white coat to bestow upon their child the age-old, old-country wisdom of: quit crying, don’t be mediocre, study like your life depends on it and don’t stand out for any reason other than your accomplishments. This unrelenting approach creates kids whose learning disabilities are turned into superpowers harnessed by their diligent parents, while many emotional difficulties remain sorely unaddressed because parents don’t see them as being as being equally important to their child’s success.

When a child raised in this environment declares a trans identity, it can be a signal that they feel crushed under the weight of such high expectations and unable to assert individuality in other ways. Under normal circumstances, tiger parents will totally disregard their kids’ negative emotions as obstacles— but they will be forced to pay attention to their kids’ emotions if their kids persist in their transgender identities and escalate their demands to be ‘seen’ through a variety of risky social, medical and surgical interventions.

Tiger parents must recognize that their child is not growing up in China, India, Eastern Europe, or Korea—but in a Western country, learning to navigate two fundamentally conflicting cultural scripts on a daily basis. Without engaging in reasonable compromises, these families are at extremely high risk of being alienated because of the child’s trans identification.

Remember, tiger parents— your child’s non-conformity is not judged as harshly in the West as it is in your home country. Your attempt to force your child to conform to your strict standards may seem like the only way to protect them— and if you raised your kid in your home country, your parenting strategy would be exactly what is needed. But in the West, where going ‘no contact’ is an encouraged extension of total individualism with zero regard to the importance of the family collective, you will have to make compromises to keep your child safe, whole and in your life. It’s crucial to embrace who your child is becoming and help them find developmentally appropriate, non-harmful outlets for self-expression. You do not have to enable their transition, or to affirm their transgender identity in order to do that.

“Bubble Wrap” Helicopter Parenting

There’s another style of helicopter parenting, which your average Westerner is quite familiar with. While some call it “coddling,” I refer to it as “Bubble Wrap Parenting.”

“Bubble Wrap” parents may be relaxed about academics or personal style, but their hovering takes a different form: shielding their child from failure at all costs. Instead of helping their kid navigate setbacks or interpersonal conflict, they rush in to fix things—talking to teachers, handling disputes, or stepping in the moment things get uncomfortable.

These bubble-wrapped kids often grow up anxious, in part because their parents are anxious. Instead of enrolling their children in art or sports to develop skills or helping them explore real strengths, these parents demand a participation trophy just for showing up. They’d rather their child never cry or experience pain. The problem is that Western societies often collude with this fantasy by creating highly curated environments. Such environments are filled with contrived niceties that leave kids unprepared—and often resentful—when real life inevitably intrudes. After all, no anti-bullying policy will shield a child from the visceral shock of watching their once familiar bodies totally change during puberty, nor for the emotional insecurities that come with it.

These children also become deeply afraid of failure because they’ve never had the chance to confront it, much less to overcome it. The constant intervention of their well-meaning parents has made them risk-averse and emotionally dysregulated. These parents don’t bubble wrap out of neglect or malice, but out of love and a deep desire to protect. The problem is, they’re so attuned to their child’s feelings that they struggle to set firm boundaries when their kids are small. They pacify every moment of discomfort, shielding their children from the necessary pain of making mistakes—and learning from them.

Unlike tiger parents, who impose rigid standards, “Bubble Wrap” parents just want their child to be happy. That’s it. That’s the goal of this parenting style.

But these parents are so emotionally enmeshed with their children that they can't step back when distress hits. At the first sign of even mild negative emotion, the child is in therapy. These parents continue treating their growing kids like fragile infants—sometimes to the point where even the child grows weary of being babied.

At their most extreme, many Bubble Wrap parents also tend to overlook or excuse their child’s deficits, both academic and social, convinced their kid is perfect and everyone else just doesn’t see it. They often resist formal diagnoses that might entitle their child to needed support, fearing a label will damage self-esteem. Nor are they willing to correct deficits themselves, worried this too might wound their child emotionally. So the small problems grow.

When a child in one of these families announces a transgender identity, the parent is often caught completely off guard. They either affirm it without question, persuaded that doing so will immediately relieve their child’s distress—without thinking through long-term consequences because an “expert” in a white coat says so—or, for the first time in the child’s life, they try to draw a boundary.

This is often the first serious “no” the child has ever heard, and it’s jarring. These parents have supported every form of self-expression: taking their kids to pride parades, letting them wear what they want, encouraging them to buck gender norms and be their most “authentic” selves. But when the threat of irreversible medicalization arises, they freeze.

Having no practice enforcing boundaries, many bubble wrap parents end up silently not affirming—hoping their child will see the array of non-medicalized self-expression options available and eventually move on. But these kids aren’t weighing options based on their parents’ logic of minimizing bodily harm. These are risk-averse children raised to view negative emotion as intolerable—and they’re drawn to the one form of rebellion that’s been declared not only safe but life-saving by the “experts.” By the time medicalization enters the picture, parents may look back and say, “I didn’t see this coming.” But they did. They just didn’t know how to say no.

Whether a Tiger Parent or a Bubble Wrap Parent, the Impact of Helicopter Parenting is the Same

Though tiger parents and bubble wrap parents operate from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum, both extreme styles can ultimately stunt a child’s development and contribute to the adoption of a trans identity (along with other mental health problems and maladaptive behaviors)—albeit through different psychological routes.

Tiger parents raise children under immense pressure to perform, often withholding emotional warmth and discouraging self-expression that deviates from rigid standards. These kids may turn to a trans identity as a desperate act of rebellion or of self-assertion, having never been given room to explore who they are outside of achievement and compliance.

In contrast, ‘bubble wrap’ parents raise children in emotionally saturated environments where discomfort is avoided at all costs and boundaries are rarely enforced. These kids may adopt a trans identity not out of a pure desire for independence, but because they have never developed the resilience to withstand distress and are drawn to a narrative that promises immediate relief and social validation.

While Tiger Parenting crushes its kids under the weight of expectations, the “Bubble Wrap” Parenting strategy leaves their kids totally unequipped to handle reality. In both cases, the child lacks the tools to navigate adolescence and identity formation in a healthy, grounded way—making the totalizing framework of gender identity particularly seductive.

Transition Ideation as a Source of Relief, Not Rebellion

Instead of an initial thrill, when teenagers stumble upon the possibility of transition, they experience a profound relief—a relief that is temporary and deeply emotional. Unlike the secret defiance of sneaking out, these teens come out as trans with the hope of inviting their parents into this new phase.

However, this openness in a teenager often triggers a defensive reaction in parents—questions like “Where did I fail?” or “Why are you doing this to me?” emerge, which set the stage for more emotional conflict later.

When I was 12 and came out to my parents as trans, I was relieved for a mere milisecond that I was being honest with them about my feelings. In return, I got my internet taken away, my world shrunk immediately and I felt like I had over night become the black sheep of the family. As I had just revealed my most innermost, painful emotions, while crying— I was not met with affection. Not even a single hug. I was met with a barrage of arguments and raised voices.

In retrospect, I know that my parents reacted this way because they were shocked and panicked. But at the time, and for the 12 years of my trans identity that followed, I was convinced that my parents hated me and that their years of promises of “I’ll love you no matter what” and “you can tell me anything, just be honest because it’s better than telling a lie” were just a trap to get me to ‘confess’ to thoughts I had, and to be punished for them. I vowed to never be honest with my parents about anything else ever again. 

If you have found that following your child’s coming out as trans, that you have panicked and your child has pulled away, it is never too late to reach out and apologize. A simple apology goes a long way in repairing emotionally damaged relationships, especially if it is thoughtful and reflective about how your panic could have been interpreted by your child as anger or disappointment when they came to you with something vulnerable. It’s not that you may have done something inherently wrong, but rather that you did something very human that simply did not serve your child in the moment. Emphasize that you want to repair your relationship with your child by listening to them without judgment. It is important to maintain a calm tone, to avoid the further escalation of tensions.

The Struggle to Redefine Identity Against Parental Expectations

The kids who seek transition aren’t trying to rebel in a traditional sense; they are trying to figure themselves out using the only schema presented to them. When a parent remarks, “This is coming out of nowhere; you were always such a pretty little girl,” the trans-identified teen feels infantilized and responds internally, “I’m not that little girl I used to be. I’m someone different now. I’m not a small child. Let me become this new, older version of myself.” The problem is, because the child doesn’t know how to put her feelings into words, she will rely on some pre-packaged ideological script about gender identity that totally confuses her parents.

Parents need to stop imposing childhood behaviors on a teenager who is in the midst of a profound identity shift. Instead of trying to return their child to an earlier self, parents should help them explore what it truly means when they use trans “scripts” to express their desires. It is vitally important that no matter how stressful it is to engage with your child’s distressing emotions, that you do so calmly and thoughtfully.

Many parents think that if they allow their daughter to wear mens’ or masculine clothes following her trans declaration, that this is akin to affirmation. That is not true. You should let your daughter experiment with clothing styles and hairstyles that you disapprove of, because self-expression is really important for teenagers. Ever since the concept of the ‘teenager’ was created, adolescents have been experimenting with clothing and hairstyles that their parents find awful. Fighting against that will give your daughter a complex about doing a normal teenage thing, and make her more likely to dig her heels in. No teenager should be denied harmless self-expression just because she uses the word “trans” to express these desires or preferences.

Your kid is trying to express something they do not even remotely understand the implications of, when they say they are trans, which is why trying to debate them on facts or their identity claims will get you nowhere. Your job as a parent isn’t to win the debate. It’s to keep your adolescent’s emotional wounds from becoming permanent.

The Unique Demands of Trans Identification on Family Dynamics

The trans-identified teenager is pursuing the same developmental goal as the kid who sneaks out to go to a party: individuation. But unlike the party-goer, the trans-identified teen can’t just break the rules quietly. Their self-assertion demands collective participation. A child’s trans identity is a rebellion that requires a permission slip.

Imagine if every teen who snuck out had to notify their parents in advance. Most parents would be wrecked with worry—alcohol poisoning, drug overdoses, drunk driving. The clash between a teen’s impulsive drive for risky social bonding and their developmental inability to assess consequences is a classic source of parent-teen conflict. That’s why teens sneak out instead of asking permission.

Parents who have fostered trust with their kids might say, “Be safe. And if something goes wrong, call us. We’d rather you be honest than hide a mistake and make a worse one.” The more anxious, helicopter-style parents might try to bolt down windows or install motion detectors—but even then, a motivated teen will find a way out. They’ll dismantle security systems, break bones crawling through a window, and call friends to take them to the hospital instead of to the party. The consequence? No fun, no meaningful lesson—just a broken arm and a growing resentment toward the parent who tried to keep them safe by smothering them. And next time, the sneak-out plan will be even more elaborate.

Teenagers whose parents try to control every risk will learn to keep everything secret. And when they can't turn to their parents after breaking a rule—be it the law or a house policy—they're more likely to make irreversible mistakes. This principle deeply applies to trans identification in adolescents.

The crucial difference? Sneaking out to a party can be done without anyone's permission. Transitioning cannot. The trans-identified teen’s attempt at self-definition demands their entire environment to play along. They aren't just asserting themselves; they’re asking their parents to affirm a reality their parents know to be untrue—and society demands that parents comply.

This is why gender identity exploration, unlike other teen rebellions, can so deeply fracture families. It weaponizes the teen’s desire to individuate while simultaneously stunting their ability to do so. It is a rebellion that can teach a young person so much, but at a high cost that will live with them forever. My life story and Substack page is a testament to this fact. A child’s transgender identity declaration demands that a child’s own parents to support their child’s separation from them, in radical ways that are difficult to come back from. The teen believes they are taking a safe, medically indicated path to become liberated from their turmoil—while the parent sees only looming harm, often irreversible.

How Wokeness and Postmodernism Have Destroyed Teenage Rebellion

Today’s teens aren’t transitioning to rebel against society—they’re doing it because there’s no stable society left to rebel against. In a postmodern, boundary-less landscape where every category has been ‘queered’ and every role is fluid, kids are still developmentally wired to rebel—but there’s nothing left to push against. And in a culture that punishes parents for not affirming their kids’ every whim, teens are trapped in a paradox: their need for risk and identity formation remains, but they lack the skills or support to explore that in healthier ways. So instead of sneaking out, they turn in on themselves. They make their rebellion internal. And now, every adult must validate it. That is the tragedy.

The trans-identified teen doesn’t just want to be seen as someone new—they want to outwit the forces of biology and parental authority. If they can’t “pass,” it doesn’t matter. There will be peers, teachers, and online strangers ready to affirm them. Each use of preferred pronouns or chosen name becomes a dopamine hit, a tiny triumph over their body and the people who won’t play along. These affirming moments offer the same rush as evading detection—and just like sneaking out, secrecy heightens the thrill.

But when their illusion cracks—when they’re misgendered or seen as their sex—it’s crushing. Another “failure” in their self-made hero’s journey. So they double down. They escalate.

What starts by arguing with their parents over getting a new haircut or dressing in a gender non-conforming way, if quashed by the parents, will more likely cause the teenager to wait until the magical day they turn 18 and can take bigger and more desperate, permanent risks with their bodies. And they probably won’t tell their parents about it until the changes become so evident that they are impossible to ignore. These teenagers are engaging in developmentally important competition, but in our socially isolated world ornamented with lackluster participation trophies, they aren’t competing with their peers. They are competing with themselves in a competition that confers inevitable losses regardless of how well the teenager succeeds at playing the transition game.

In the end, the trans-identified teen’s body becomes their own battlefield in the war waged against their biology. They will see their own destruction as a victory, while in transition. If they go on to regret transition, their body will then become a shrine to their most catastrophic adolescent decision.

If parents dismiss this without understanding why transition is this teen’s chosen quest—or if they blindly affirm it without limits—self-destruction becomes almost inevitable.

That’s why parents must de-escalate the war on the Self. Not by giving in or lashing out, but by ensuring gender exploration doesn’t become the one thing their child must protect at all costs. The goal isn’t to win a power struggle. It’s to stay in the game. And this guide, written by me, may offer some ways to do just that.

NEW Toolkit: Out of the Gender Maze

Conclusion

Parents need to understand that when a child declares a trans identity, it is rarely an act meant to hurt, punish, or defy them. More often, it is a deeply personal and sincere attempt to make sense of internal pain. It may not begin as rebellion, but if met with panic, harsh rejection, or a total absence of emotional attunement, it can easily evolve into one. When non-affirmation is paired with a parent’s inability—or refusal—to simultaneously validate their child’s emotional reality while maintaining boundaries around life and body alterations aimed at obscuring objective biological reality, the groundwork is laid for what may become a long, entrenched identity journey. Left unaddressed, this dynamic hardens into a period of prolonged identification that is difficult to reverse because it becomes the lens through which the child organizes their entire world.

In this moment, more than ever, children need parents who can be the steady rock in the emotional storm—not another source of instability. Rather than making their child’s identity struggle about their own panic, guilt, or sense of failure, parents must remain calm, grounded, and loving.

Validating a child’s search for empowerment and self-understanding does not mean affirming every literal identity claim. It means holding space for the underlying pain while gently encouraging a path rooted in reality by calmly asking clarifying questions as if you are a detective rather than an interrogator. When a young person is already distressed, indoctrinated, and clinging to what they believe is the only escape route, the added weight of a parent’s emotional volatility can push them deeper into their escapist gender fantasy, rather than toward resolution.

This doesn’t mean surrendering all parental authority. Boundaries matter—and they must be drawn clearly when it comes to consequential, irreversible interventions. While honoring a child’s right to experiment with clothing or hairstyles, parents should be firm on issues like names, pronouns, binding, tucking, puberty blockers, hormones, and surgery—especially while the child is still financially dependent. A compassionate compromise, like using an old childhood nickname, can preserve family connection while still respecting the child’s desire for self-expression. This approach protects the child’s long-term well-being without fracturing the family unit.

With the right combination of boundaries and emotional steadiness, your child’s “gender journey” can be a temporary exploration—one that ultimately leads them home. But, your child’s so-called ‘gender journey’ may end up being a years long detour through identity confusion, damage to their health and one defined by a period of parental alienation. If you are particularly unlucky, it’ll be a 12-years long, like mine was. No matter how long it lasts, very rarely can the primal bonds between parents and their children be severed permanently. Never lose hope that your child will return, but also, realize that hope alone will not reconcile fractured bonds between parents and kids. Action, however, will.

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